Thursday 18 June 2009

Life in the Fast Lane

Is it just me or are we used to wanting everything yesterday now. Fast food, microwave meals,
I order from Screwfix it arrives the next day, form Ebay within a couple of days, same with Amazon, Misco etc. etc. I open a share dealing account online put in my debit card details, transfer some money and away you go within minutes I can trade up to £10,000, scary but true. So when it comes to dealing with this next lot of Herbert's, it really made my blood boil.!!

I have to say right from the start that I have dealt with the commercial arm of Moneycorp for years now, they have transferred tens of thousands of pounds and euros to and from Spain for us with no problem at all ever. You speak to the highly intelligent and articulate dealers and they do exactly what they say they will do when they say they will, I can move thousand to and from Spain on a verbal contract, great. So when I see on their home page that they were doing a prepaid currency card I thought great for the coming touring holiday in France, not having thousands in cash on you and a better exchange rate than using credit cards. So as I was talking to one of the dealers I enquired whether as I had an account with them already it would be just a matter of requesting one. He didn't know but said he would find out and e-mail me.
Minutes later the e-mail arrived, I had to apply online from scratch as it was a different division from the commercial arm. Fair enough, funny though the weight of one word in a sentence, "different". "Different" like Rolls Royce and Lada as I was about to find out.

So I applied online, it then let me get into the account management pages, I could register the debit card I would use to top up the cash card, so I did, then as the euro was looking pretty good then, I tried to transfer some money to my new E-Account. No chance, got some generic massage telling me to ring the help desk. As this was about 11:00pm i waited until the next day, tried again got the same error message. So steeling my ragged nerves I rang the help desk. ( Help - desk what a fecking misleading term.) Eventually going through all the automated messages I got to the option they never want you to use, speaking to a Human Being, well a rough approximation anyway. Telephone conversation, mmm, doesn't a conversation kind of imply that the people involved, usually two, actually adapt what they say depending on what they have just heard, or doesn't it just kind of end up like an automated message.

It reminded me of a time I had the misfortune to have to fix some IT gear on a military base at Catterick. Wasn't sure which base this particular regiment were on so pulled up at the first gate I came to and no matter what I said, all the guard on the gate would reply was , "Please report to the gate house. sir"
Yeh, but is this the right place for the 95 regiment.? "Please report to the gate house. sir",
Is that the building over there.? "Please report to the gate house. sir",
Am I allowed to park here? "Please report to the gate house. sir".
Once in the gate house all became apparent. It is all they are allowed to say, with the possible exception of "stop or i will shoot you". So, back to Moneycorp,

Some cretinous automaton on the other end advised me to delete the card details, wait 24 hours then re enter them and try again. So I did.
24 hours later, I tried again, same error message. Rang Helpless Desk, another automaton, with a speaker phone so useless it cut off the start and end of everything we said. Delete your card details and wait 48 hours and try again, I eventually managed to glean it was saying. So I did.
48 hours later, I tried again, same error message. Rang fecking useless totally helpless desk, a slightly more intelligent automaton, obviously with some sort of upgrade from the other two, said, Oh no you have to wait until you receive the cash card in the post, before you can top it up.
Right, ok, fine, I guess that makes sense, but why couldn't the other two amoeba brains tell me that. Oh, and you'll need to delete your debit card details and re input them as well.

So after about ten days the bloody card arrived in the post, so I activated it over the phone. Went online, re-input my debit card details, tried to top up the card, and got an error message saying I had to wait three days from inputting my debit card details to being allowed to use it to top up the card. ( Remember the share dealing setup , 10 grand in 10 minutes!! ) How my fist didn't actually go through the monitor I'm not sure. So in the meantime the euros falling and as far as i'm concerned these bastards owe me the 100 euros less i'm going to get by having to wait even longer.

SO if you re thinking of getting one of these cards do it from somewhere you can walk into and get it on the day like the post office or Thomas Cooks.

Fecking Kents.

Thursday 4 December 2008

Tombstone Blues !

Having been forced into writing a Will just recently one finds oneself having to decide wether to be cremated or buried. Personally I want to be buried. I don't fancy coming round from a coma just as I go into the incinerator. Nope, at least if I come round underground I can do an Uma Therman in Kill Bill 2. But it also got me thinking about what to put on the old headstone. There's the Black Adder version,

"Here lies Old Growler and he's bloody annoyed."

A friend and work collegue did that one about 12 years ago, except the vicar wouldn't allow the word bloody.It had to be "Very Annoyed" which didn't have quite the same ring to it. I also like the Spike Milligan one,

"I told you I wasn't feeling well".

Or I could use,
"I needed a bloody good lie in.!"

"Lived fast, died young and left a good looking corpse.""Dig me up and have a look."

or if by some miracle I live to old age,
"Only the good die young.!"

"Now i'm really pissed off.!"

"Do you mind if I don't get up.?"

"I said my feet were killing me.!"

"Died owing more than when I arrived"

"I told you the prawns were off!"

"What was the bloody point.!"

"That's the last time I drink ten Rocky Mountain Bear Fuckers.!"

"Rot In Peace"

I'd better stop now or it'll be,

"Died laughing"

Friday 28 November 2008

Prophet of Doom !!

Well, sorry to be have been the prophet of doom regarding our new PM back in June 2007.
But, we're not "fecking scared" any more, oh, no.
Now we're Piss our Pants Fucking Terrified at what's going to happen next.
Instead of the goverment, mainly the old chancellor, ( what was his name again, oh yes, guppy Brown ), making hay while the sun shone, along with all the ignorant, arrogant heads of our banks , he was spending our money like some cocaine fuelled lottery winner. Otherwise, we could have ridden out the current crisis laughing gayily while other countries flocked to deposit their cash with us. What they should have done was arrest all the sub-prime defaulters along with those who lent them the fucking money in the first place and made them toil in the fields on minimum wage to feed all the rest of us poor bastards who didn't borrow money we couldn't afford to pay back, who NOW can't even afford the price of a bottle of Krug , half a pound of caviar and a new Aston Martin!!!!. Wankers.!!!!

Wednesday 14 May 2008

Life On Mars / Ashes To Ashes

(Pic of Gene and the Posh Tart)

Haven't enjoyed watching anything as much as these series since Fawlty Towers.!

Fave Quotes:-

(Gene Hunt)

"Oi!, Bolly Knickers, get your large but perfectly formed arse over here now.! "

(Gene Hunt)

"Anything you say will be taken down, ripped up and shoved down your scrawny little throat..."

(Sam to Gene), (Sam on a bad acid trip.)

'Listen, you. I can just about handle you driving like a pissed-up crack-head and treating women like bean-bags, but I'm going to say this once, and once only: stay out of Camberwick Green!'

(Gene Hunt)

"Drop your weapons. You are surrounded by armed bastards!"

(Gene Hunt)

"He's got fingers in more pies than a leper on a cookery course"

(Gene Hunt)

"I could drink every one of those toe-rags under the table and still stop off for a pint on my way home".
"If I wanted a lecture about drinking I'd ask the missus".

(Gene Hunt)

"You're not the one who is going to have to knit himself a new arsehole after 25 years of aggressive male love in prison"

(Gene Hunt) I think you've forgotten who you're talking to.
(Sam Tyler) An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?
(Gene Hunt) You make that sound like a bad thing.

(Gene Hunt)

Good work, Raymondo. I'm bumping you back up to DS... only this time make it stand for Detective Sergeant and not Dog Shit!

(Gene to Sam )

"You great soft, sissy, girlie, nancy, french, bender, Man United supporting puff!"

At least he didn't call him a "Soft Southern Shandy Swilling Shite.!"

Can't wait for series 2 of Ashes to Ashes.

Anyway i'm just off to "Fire up the Quattro!!!"

Wednesday 7 November 2007

Do You Ever Get The Blues Sometimes ?

Where do you go when you've somewhere to run.
But the time isn't right and there's things to be done.
And you're trapped half-way up,
you don't want to go back.
So you keep going on,
compromising the lack.
And you see the green fields as you travel on by.
And you look at the things you'd forgotten to try.
And you wish you were young.
And you wish you were old.
For the songs always sung,
and the stories been told.
And you thought you were different,
but what did that mean.
You tricked yourself trying,
life's still unseen.
As it is,
as it was,
as it always will be.
Will you find out at all what it is to be free.

See it never was easy to live with a head.
So I kept to the back room and I lived there instead.
What comes from the front-room is only for "Friends".
I have a bay window,
but that's where it ends.
And it's here I see pictures and my madness is clear.
And there's no longer logic so therefore no fear.
And I'm almost dead with uncontrollable light.
Sometimes when I've written a song,
- it's alright........

Wednesday 25 July 2007

Global Warming 2. ( This Time It's Personal ! )


I'm sick to death of people whinging and whining on about global warming.
Personally i'd rather burn out than fade away, so here's the deal.
New Years Eve 2020 we have a planet wide party, massive gig.!
Everyone drinks all day, bands play, barbecues, the lot.
We can even wheel Bob Geldoff out to host it.
Then at exactly midnight (GMT) of course, seen as us English invented time.
We set off all the nukes.!!
Fantastic fire work display, can be seen way past alpha centuri, any watching alien civilisation would turn to each other and say,
" Sass that hoopy human race, now there were some froods who really knew where their towels were"!!!

PS. Anyone know where you can buy 2 million sun-block.?

Thursday 12 July 2007

Brown Take Note !!

Excerpts from an on going debate in Australia.
This is true and can be checked at
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Shari law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
A day after a group of mainstream Muslim leaders pledged loyalty to Australia and her Queen at a special meeting with Prime Minister John Howard, he and his Ministers made it clear that extremists would face a crack down. Treasurer Peter Costello, seen as heir apparent to Howard, hinted that some radical clerics could be asked to leave the country if they did not accept that Australia was a secular state, and its laws were made by parliament "If those are not your values, if you want a country which has Shari law or a theocratic state, then Australia is not for you", he said on National Television."I'd be saying to clerics who are teaching that there are two laws governing people in Australia: one the Australian law and another Islamic law that is false. If you can't agree with parliamentary law, independent courts, democracy, and would prefer Shari law and have the opportunity to go to another country, which practices it, perhaps, then, that's a better option",Costello said. Asked whether he meant radical clerics would be forced to leave, he said those with dual citizenship could possibly be asked to move to the other country. Education Minister Brendan Nelson later told reporters that Muslims who did not want to accept local values should "clear off. Basically people who don't want to be Australians, and who don't want, to live by Australian values and understand them, well then, they can basically clear off", he said. Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced asurge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.""However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the 'politically correct' crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others. I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to Australia.""However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand." "This idea of Australia being a multi-cultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. And as Australians, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle.""This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom" "We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society ..Learn the language!" "Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture." "We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.""If the Southern Cross offends you, or you don't like "A Fair Go", then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don'tcare how you did things where you came from. By all means, keep your culture, but do not force it on others. "This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'."
"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE.
We didn't force you to come here.
You asked to be here So accept the country YOU accepted."